Managing the internal self.

As I wait for the flight home, I'm using my "mindfulness" to monitor the processes going on.  On the surface I am enjoying the Bali experience .... but deep down the "little boy" is screaming with panic and anxiety. ..... I just want to be home.

The adult me coaxes the child me .... the step by step process .... what needs to be done next.  ..... go to the airport .... go through immigration ..... boarding ..... 

Breaking the whole thing down so I can cope.

And all the time the adult me is relishing the outside experience..... and on another level I get so tired of the battle.

Early morning muse

Why do I isolate myself?  I manufacture circumstances that make it easy to avoid attention,   to "fit into the cracks", to hide.  Why?

It all stems from that four year period of year 7 and the first 3 years of high school.  The never ceasing torment .... the constant fear .... looking back with adult eyes I can see that it wasn't really that bad .... but for a lonely young boy, it was an unrelenting nightmare ..... and the effects reverberate through all my adult behaviors moment by moment.