The Elders Way December 2018

This is a chronicle of the experiences and feelings while I was attending this retreat for elder men.

Day 1 Tuesday 5th
I'm struck by the quality of the men involved.  I'll list the attendees later as they are all men that I will want to keep in contact with.
We have gone straight to the nitty gritty with each of us sharing deeply.... definitely not chit chat.
Tomorrow I will probably be sharing the claim story.... I know that it will be very hard so I've asked Gary to physically support me as I read it.  I've realised that my poetry.... which is the cherished item..... doesn't make much sense without the other to give background.
I'm really gobsmacked by the timing of this retreat.  When I committed to coming, my stage of healing was totally different.  Since then I feel as though I'm in a very different place emotionally.

Thursday 6th
Pre breakfast with Washie, Gary and Ross.... talking about dealing with the detritus of passed parents. 

Several of the group are excellent musicians .... and  I have audio of Washie playing a very old Japanese flute.

During breakfast a small earth tremor  struck ... and Washie ... who has lived through serious earth quakes in LA .... gave us this song in thanks for being alive ... Song to the Earth

Next.... as pairs... we shared the essential elements of each of us.... and then relayed what has been learned to the group.  It was amazing to find that the person I was sharing with has walked an almost identical path to my path.  The time has been a difficult breaking down of walls and working at being vulnerable. 

(Gems from this time ....)  

The man I am, the man I was

She loves them both

But surer is  of "was" than "am" 

I wish she'd tell the difference. 

THE TWO WOLVES

Negative thinking is normal and sometimes it’s even helpful. However, if this way of thinking becomes incessant, it can lead to depression and self-destructive behaviour like addictions, derailing you from what your values and what you want most in life. Negative thinking saps your energy and erodes your self-confidence.

Two Wolves is a Cherokee Indian legend and illustrates the most important battle of our lives – the one between the thoughts that are consistent with your chosen values and the thoughts that lead you away from the man you wish to be. Here’s how the story goes:

A Cherokee elder is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Some of your thoughts can be your own worst enemy. That is, if you let them. Think about how you may be “feeding” your negative thoughts by allowing them to rule your mind.

Next time you have a negative thought, catch it and ask yourself, “What is this thought doing for me?” You will find that the answer is that all they are doing is disempowering you. You can immediately feel more empowered by focusing on your values, reflecting on the big picture and cultivating the practice of gratitude.

Which wolf are you feeding? Remember, you always have a choice...

FRIDAY 

AM.   This morning we shared very deeply about the hurts and pain that we have each carried with us in our life.  We heard of one man's pain of his father's violence to his mother.  I told the story of the abuse I have lived through.  R shared the pain of his estrangement from his son.  Many of the men shared the same story..... and the feeling of closeness is palpable. 

(note ... nearly all meals are meatless .... it's a different experience for me!)
..... and we have a VERY large gecko living in our room.....  he is very noisy and wakes me up many times in the night when he comes near my bed and BARKS!

PM
Further sharing of our separate individual issues.  Much of this involves role play in order to draw out the hidden depths of the person.  The process can be deeply moving for all involved.
I am moved by the appreciation shown by the men for the way I have been open and shared my pain and abuse.  In the exercises with other men, it's apparent that my history has given me some wisdom that I hadn't understood ... and this wisdom is being appreciated also.

Saturday 

AM.... Letting go of the items that are not serving me in the road forward. 

My story cannot be erased.... but the next step in the path is waiting.  Walking the path need not be hindered by my story.  I lay the story down and move forward.

PM

Free afternoon followed by a meditation sunset.

The heart voice which once spoke as poetry in a time of pain.... has been silent since as I struggled to absorb my story.   Now I feel the heart voice stirring once again.  The ideas are shaping and I'm ready to speak again. 

In time past my heart voice cried out 

in a time of pain it burst out

.... the words spoke of my inner turmoil

and of my pain

The heart cried out to be heard and understood

by any who would listen.

The heart spoke of the walls that surrounded it

It begged for acceptance.

Once it had spoken, the heart fell silent

It listened to the echoes of its cries.

The echoes reverberated through years

And the heart could no longer speak.

Silence

Silence

Then the heart began to stir. 

The words are bubbling 

through the potent mixture

Of hope and anticipation

The steps are seen..... 

and the steps are waiting to be trod.

The heart voice is forming

And soon will be heard.

Sunday

Am   

This morning has been powerfully symbolic for me. We rose at 4am and travelled to Padang Bai where we watched the dawn ... the beginning of a new day. We then went a short way to the place at Padang Bai where in the 8th century, the first Hindus came to Bali. In the cave at the ocean edge where those men lived, a shrine remains ... and there each of us cast into the ocean an item representing the thing we wished to be left behind. Mine was a copy of the Redress Claim. I watched it sink to the rocks at the bottom. I will now remember where it remains.

Afterward, I wrote this .......

I remember

My story has not served me well.

It has tormented me 

and wrapped me in invisible chains

.... chains of remembered pain

.... chains of relived feelings

But my story has been cast away

.... and now I remember where the story lies

Waves now wash the story 

where it lies in the rocks.

The water dissolves the paper

On which the story lives

The pain of the story washes into the ocean

Peace. 

Monday 10

AM. Pura Dalem. A 2 hour walk.  Up at 5am to drive to "the water walk" 

 

Beginnings

This morning I reached a point

Where my body told my head to stop

So I retraced my steps

Back down the path

To where there journey began

Along the way my heart was light

I sang some songs

I drank in the sight

Of dogs.... and ducks

I watched those ducks

With all my might.

I saw the way

Mr Big Duck took control

Reached high 

.... and flapped..... and quacked

And cared for every single duck

Eventually I found the start

Where we all began

And waited for the other guys

To find the place

Where we all began

And it struck me as I sat

How though we all began

In the same place

Somehow

We had found a different beginning

As we each walked in our way

PM  at the "Castle without walls"

Tuesday 11 December 

AM.   Death

The only certain thing in this life is death. 

It seems that a preparation common to most men in their senior years is that of accepting and preparing for death.   I realised that I accepted the reality of death when I was 6 years old.... and I have been preparing for death ever since then.   I am ready whenever it calls me. 

The difference for me is that... till now.... I thought that I would be only grieved for by Naomi.  But now for the first time I have a circle of people who I know will be saddened to see me go.  Thankyou. 

Wednesday 12 December

Thursday 13 December

The last day

I woke at three
I woke at four
Maybe I woke at even more

I woke at five
And my heart was overflowing
So I poured that love away
I used it to water my heart
who is far away

She heard my overflow
And answered for a while
An oasis of passion in the desert
Flowers bloom

But now we men....
We men gather to say farewell
Some of us will meet again....
And renew this sweet soul touch

Some of us will never meet again

But we will remember

How could we forget?

Each soul is a shining light that draws us in.

And I....  I..... I will remember. 

Departed Pondock Sariswata and headed to Sanur