Flashbacks

I've been getting a lot if "flashbacks" in the recent months .... thoughts about "those times" and wondering "what if?" ..... What if there had been some good psych help for me at the time.... what would it have been like?  What would I have said?  What would have been said to me?

What sort of life would I have had if I hadn't been this damaged shell of a person?

Last night I watched a documentary about the making of the film "Platoon" .... about the effect of the Vietnam war on the individuals .... about PTSD.  .... and then I dreamed that I was being hospitalised and treated for the effects.  My mind had created a scenario that answered my thoughts.....

I can't think about it or write about it without breaking down in tears.