This is a chronicle of the experiences and feelings while I was attending this retreat for elder men.
Day 1 Tuesday 5th
I'm struck by the quality of the men involved. I'll list the attendees later as they are all men that I will want to keep in contact with.
We have gone straight to the nitty gritty with each of us sharing deeply.... definitely not chit chat.
Tomorrow I will probably be sharing the claim story.... I know that it will be very hard so I've asked Gary to physically support me as I read it. I've realised that my poetry.... which is the cherished item..... doesn't make much sense without the other to give background.
I'm really gobsmacked by the timing of this retreat. When I committed to coming, my stage of healing was totally different. Since then I feel as though I'm in a very different place emotionally.
Thursday 6th
Pre breakfast with Washie, Gary and Ross.... talking about dealing with the detritus of passed parents.
Several of the group are excellent musicians .... and I have audio of Washie playing a very old Japanese flute.
During breakfast a small earth tremor struck ... and Washie ... who has lived through serious earth quakes in LA .... gave us this song in thanks for being alive ... Song to the Earth
Next.... as pairs... we shared the essential elements of each of us.... and then relayed what has been learned to the group. It was amazing to find that the person I was sharing with has walked an almost identical path to my path. The time has been a difficult breaking down of walls and working at being vulnerable.
(Gems from this time ....)
The man I am, the man I was
She loves them both
But surer is of "was" than "am"
I wish she'd tell the difference.
THE TWO WOLVES
Negative thinking is normal and sometimes
it’s even helpful. However, if this way of thinking becomes incessant, it can
lead to depression and self-destructive behaviour like addictions, derailing
you from what your values and what you want most in life. Negative thinking
saps your energy and erodes your self-confidence.
Two Wolves is a Cherokee Indian legend and
illustrates the most important battle of our lives – the one between the
thoughts that are consistent with your chosen values and the thoughts that lead
you away from the man you wish to be. Here’s how the story goes:
A Cherokee elder is teaching his grandson
about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between
two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and
ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is
joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,
generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you
– and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute
and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one
you feed.”
Some of your thoughts can be your own
worst enemy. That is, if you let them. Think about how you may be “feeding”
your negative thoughts by allowing them to rule your mind.
Next time you have a negative thought,
catch it and ask yourself, “What is this thought doing for me?” You will find
that the answer is that all they are doing is disempowering you. You can
immediately feel more empowered by focusing on your values, reflecting on the
big picture and cultivating the practice of gratitude.
Which wolf are you feeding? Remember, you
always have a choice...
FRIDAY
AM. This morning we shared very deeply about the hurts and pain that we have each carried with us in our life. We heard of one man's pain of his father's violence to his mother. I told the story of the abuse I have lived through. R shared the pain of his estrangement from his son. Many of the men shared the same story..... and the feeling of closeness is palpable.
(note ... nearly all meals are meatless .... it's a different experience for me!)
..... and we have a VERY large gecko living in our room..... he is very noisy and wakes me up many times in the night when he comes near my bed and BARKS!
PM
Further sharing of our separate individual issues. Much of this involves role play in order to draw out the hidden depths of the person. The process can be deeply moving for all involved.
I am moved by the appreciation shown by the men for the way I have been open and shared my pain and abuse. In the exercises with other men, it's apparent that my history has given me some wisdom that I hadn't understood ... and this wisdom is being appreciated also.
Saturday
AM.... Letting go of the items that are not serving me in the road forward.
My story cannot be erased.... but the next step in the path is waiting. Walking the path need not be hindered by my story. I lay the story down and move forward.
PM
Free afternoon followed by a meditation sunset.
The heart voice which once spoke as poetry in a time of pain.... has been silent since as I struggled to absorb my story. Now I feel the heart voice stirring once again. The ideas are shaping and I'm ready to speak again.
In time past my heart voice cried out
in a time of pain it burst out
.... the words spoke of my inner turmoil
and of my pain
The heart cried out to be heard and understood
by any who would listen.
The heart spoke of the walls that surrounded it
It begged for acceptance.
Once it had spoken, the heart fell silent
It listened to the echoes of its cries.
The echoes reverberated through years
And the heart could no longer speak.
Silence
Silence
Then the heart began to stir.
The words are bubbling
through the potent mixture
Of hope and anticipation
The steps are seen.....
and the steps are waiting to be trod.
The heart voice is forming
And soon will be heard.
Sunday
Am
This morning has been powerfully symbolic for me. We rose at 4am and travelled to Padang Bai where we watched the dawn ... the beginning of a new day. We then went a short way to the place at Padang Bai where in the 8th century, the first Hindus came to Bali. In the cave at the ocean edge where those men lived, a shrine remains ... and there each of us cast into the ocean an item representing the thing we wished to be left behind. Mine was a copy of the Redress Claim. I watched it sink to the rocks at the bottom. I will now remember where it remains.
Afterward, I wrote this .......
I remember
My story has not served me well.
It has tormented me
and wrapped me in invisible chains
.... chains of remembered pain
.... chains of relived feelings
But my story has been cast away
.... and now I remember where the story lies
Waves now wash the story
where it lies in the rocks.
The water dissolves the paper
On which the story lives
The pain of the story washes into the ocean
Peace.
AM. Pura Dalem. A 2 hour walk. Up at 5am to drive to "the water walk"
Beginnings
This morning I reached a point
Where my body told my head to stop
So I retraced my steps
Back down the path
To where there journey began
Along the way my heart was light
I sang some songs
I drank in the sight
Of dogs.... and ducks
I watched those ducks
With all my might.
I saw the way
Mr Big Duck took control
Reached high
.... and flapped..... and quacked
And cared for every single duck
Eventually I found the start
Where we all began
And waited for the other guys
To find the place
Where we all began
And it struck me as I sat
How though we all began
In the same place
Somehow
We had found a different beginning
As we each walked in our way
PM at the "Castle without walls"
Tuesday 11 December
AM. Death
The only certain thing in this life is death.
It seems that a preparation common to most men in their senior years is that of accepting and preparing for death. I realised that I accepted the reality of death when I was 6 years old.... and I have been preparing for death ever since then. I am ready whenever it calls me.
The difference for me is that... till now.... I thought that I would be only grieved for by Naomi. But now for the first time I have a circle of people who I know will be saddened to see me go. Thankyou.
Wednesday 12 December
Thursday 13 December
The last day
I woke at three
I woke at four
Maybe I woke at even more
I woke at five
And my heart was overflowing
So I poured that love away
I used it to water my heart
who is far away
She heard my overflow
And answered for a while
An oasis of passion in the desert
Flowers bloom
But now we men....
We men gather to say farewell
Some of us will meet again....
And renew this sweet soul touch
Some of us will never meet again
But we will remember
How could we forget?
Each soul is a shining light that draws us in.
And I.... I..... I will remember.
Departed Pondock Sariswata and headed to Sanur
