Claim!

When (last year) an inquiry was held into the abuses at the hostels I told my story. Subsequently the government made funds available for compensation claims for victims .... I put in a claim late last year and on Wednesday I was advised that I had been assessed as being in the most severe category ... and eligible for the maximum compensation!

The money can't give me my life back again ... but at present it gives me the option of seeking help.  Lately things are getting really bad.  In some ways it's almost funny.  A Melbourne uni is conducting courses to help people to deal with depression etc .... I inquired .... and was told that I was too bad ... they couldn't help me!

I really don't think that any one can help ... I just have to hold it all together till the end of the story.

Hope for the future?

Last night I dreamt that I was involved in a therapy session that healed me ..... a first!   One of my big issues is that I cannot visualise myself being healed .... so there is no chance of actually being healed because the internal self fights against being healed.

Now that I'm awake, my conscious mind can "pick holes" in the process that had been dreamed ..... but it's a significant step.

Lost faith

As we approach another election, I'm feeling that I have lost faith in democracy.  I don't see any viable alternative .... but democracy is no where near being an ideal way of life.   

The problem is that the process is continually hijacked by people seeking power ..... it can never function any other way of course ..... but the power seekers then corrupt the ideal.

Nightmares

Things are bad when I don't even get to know that I've had a nightmare .... let alone remember the dream ....

Naomi tells me that she had to wake me a couple of times last night to get me out of the dream .... but I have no memory of being woken nor of the dreams.

Flashbacks

I've been getting a lot if "flashbacks" in the recent months .... thoughts about "those times" and wondering "what if?" ..... What if there had been some good psych help for me at the time.... what would it have been like?  What would I have said?  What would have been said to me?

What sort of life would I have had if I hadn't been this damaged shell of a person?

Last night I watched a documentary about the making of the film "Platoon" .... about the effect of the Vietnam war on the individuals .... about PTSD.  .... and then I dreamed that I was being hospitalised and treated for the effects.  My mind had created a scenario that answered my thoughts.....

I can't think about it or write about it without breaking down in tears.

Hypocrisy

Today I have read two articles in the news .....

In one, it reports on the murder of people all over the world .... by officers of the US government .... officially sanctioned by the US government .... without trial, review or any form of judicial process.

And the US government calmly asserts that it is entitled to act this way.

The second article reports on the indignation of the US government that Russia should dare to give shelter to a US "whistleblower"!   

The US government is evil personified.

Android ---- iPhone

After 4 days of using my new Android tablet I can make the following observations. ...... the Android system is like democracy in some ways .... we humans don't like being controlled .... even when the decision is a good decision and the best decision for us. The Android system keeps control in the hands of the user ... the problem is that the user (in most cases) can't take advantage of that control because the system is complex and not simple to use. The Apple system takes control away from the user and instead presents the user with a tool which does what it is meant to do ... superbly and without fuss. The user gives up his rights (to control how the tool works) in return for having a beautiful tool. In the Android system, the lack of control over apps means that the usual quality level of apps available on Play Store is abysmal .... contrast this with way that the usual standard of Apple apps is superb ..... Apple controls the apps rigidly.