The penny drops

Yesterday I was explaining to someone the reasons for my habit of challenging unthinking motivations ..... that is - why do we act the way we do.  I explained how for much of my adult life I have been plagued by fear ... .and I gave the example that until recent times, I could not sleep without hiding under sheets and blanket in bed.  I explained that I reached a point where I rejected my slavery to fear and sought to delve down and examine why I acted the way I did.  If the reason was fear ... then I rejected that fear and decided on a rational action.

..... however, in that example of hiding under the bed-covers, I had never connected the fear with the cause of the fear .... why did the fear exist? 

As I explained, the penny dropped!  When I was a boy and the bullying was going on at the hostel,  I would burrow down into the bed and try to protect myself by being deep in the bed.  It never worked ... but habits die hard .... and the fear remained with me for the next 40 years.

Second impressions

Six weeks later and one of the biggest things I've noticed is that the nightmares are largely gone.  I still can have "bad dreams" but they're not nightmares ..... I don't wake Naomi with the result.

It's possible that this is due to the lowering of anxiety levels ..... the claim money has removed most of our money worries and so that anxiety trigger is gone.  That would indicate that much of my anxiety was related to money worries ... it's probably that the lifelong issues have reduced my capacity to deal with the short term issues.

Regardless of the explanation, the result is very welcome.

So far I haven't been able to bring myself to seek further counselling ... I can't visualise any benefit so I don't want to waste money on "hand holding".

First impressions

After five days, some of the effects of the claim are beginning to gel.

First is a sense of relief .... that I haven't been imagining it all this time ... it has been verified by external parties and the "system" has said to me that what I went through was not normal or acceptable .... that a child should not have been treated in that way.

Second ..... I feel as though my life is now "pre" and "post" claim .... last Wednesday was a defining moment in some ways. 

Claim!

When (last year) an inquiry was held into the abuses at the hostels I told my story. Subsequently the government made funds available for compensation claims for victims .... I put in a claim late last year and on Wednesday I was advised that I had been assessed as being in the most severe category ... and eligible for the maximum compensation!

The money can't give me my life back again ... but at present it gives me the option of seeking help.  Lately things are getting really bad.  In some ways it's almost funny.  A Melbourne uni is conducting courses to help people to deal with depression etc .... I inquired .... and was told that I was too bad ... they couldn't help me!

I really don't think that any one can help ... I just have to hold it all together till the end of the story.

Hope for the future?

Last night I dreamt that I was involved in a therapy session that healed me ..... a first!   One of my big issues is that I cannot visualise myself being healed .... so there is no chance of actually being healed because the internal self fights against being healed.

Now that I'm awake, my conscious mind can "pick holes" in the process that had been dreamed ..... but it's a significant step.

Lost faith

As we approach another election, I'm feeling that I have lost faith in democracy.  I don't see any viable alternative .... but democracy is no where near being an ideal way of life.   

The problem is that the process is continually hijacked by people seeking power ..... it can never function any other way of course ..... but the power seekers then corrupt the ideal.

Nightmares

Things are bad when I don't even get to know that I've had a nightmare .... let alone remember the dream ....

Naomi tells me that she had to wake me a couple of times last night to get me out of the dream .... but I have no memory of being woken nor of the dreams.